dude. i went to "counseling" again today.. i am so sick of being asked the same stupid, pointless questions over and over again.. i fuck up all the time. yeah i'm aware of this, okay? fak... all this, well how do you feel about it, and how do you think it affected so and so and blah blah blah on and on and on... you know what? i don't give a shit. i'm tired of people acting like they're concerned about my feelings and my "emotions" and all that bull. it doesn't matter if i feel bad about something or not, it happened, it happened. it's over. i don't care if i don't have great grades. i really don't. why does it matter so much anyways? so i can go to college? so what? woop de do, i'm gonna go to college and do something with my ultimately pointless and meaningless existance.... ?? please, i'm sick of people making such big deals out of nothing.
even with my really sad outlook on life, i still can't help having at least a little bit of a conscience and sentiment.. i do love my family, and i don't want to hurt anyone.. i just really see no reason for me to try hard at anything.. other than to please someone else. the only reason i even attempted to bring my grades up was so my dad wouldn't be so disapointed in me and regret letting me live here. i mean.. i could just get up and leave, i could go live somewhere else if i was just too much of a fucking burden. i feel really bad that i'm just a fucking disapointment to everyone.. but i just don't feel like i have any energy or will to do better. i mean yeah i still feel like the best thing would be to just kill myself, i'm not helping anyone or anything and i'm sure not gonna have much of a good time in my life.. but it just seems like it would be sucha huge stab in the back to my dad. cause i know he did a lot to get me over here so i didn't have to live with my mom. so i couldn't do something like that because i wouldn't want him or anyone else to think that like.. they did something wrong or something. i feel shitty. i'm going to stop talking now.. because i know no ones going to read any of it anyways.. cause it probably doesn't make sense.